Family, the truest form of love there is. It’s pure, unadulterated, and most importantly, required. It’s literally not a choice. These are the people that bring you milkshakes when you get your wisdom teeth taken out. The people that love you even when your a raging moron and total disappointment. I love my family, they’re all hilarious, generous, loving people I’m so lucky to have in my life. But being a 20-something and making your family proud is impossible unless your Simone Biles or the girl who invented Bumble. It’s a time where you drink before 11 am and switch jobs more than nail colors. It’s a fun and confusing time in your life where you learn a lot and make a ton of mistakes. And yes your family will love you no matter what, but it doesn’t hurt to hide some of your short comings. And your bong. Especially during the holiday season…
Here are just some of the lies you’ll be telling while your not inhaling sugar cookies and judegment
1. “I’m doing good!”
Just a simple “how are you doing” brings up a highlight reel of your latest hangovers, tinder dates, speech class failures and pregnancy scares. Needless to say not well. Not well at all.
2.”School is going great, I love my classes”
At this point your considering just driving to a far away town, changing your name, and selling home made jam for a living.
3.”I just don’t have the time for a boyfriend right now”
And no I don’t want to be set up with your chiropractor’s nephew
4.”Work is going great, I love my job!”
I’m just trying to get through my company holiday party without stabbing anyone
5.”No I didn’t have anything to drink before this”
Trust me you want me drunk I’m going to be a joy
6.*Internally pretending you aren’t afraid of your young relatives roasting you at any moment*
13 year olds are terrifying and will destroy your self esteem
7.”This is delicious”
Just eat it
8.”No of course I’m not voting for Hilary”
Talking politics with your family is sure fire way to get cut out of any will.
9.”Yeah I’m not really into partying these days”
At least not on Tuesdays and Wednesdays
10.”Call me anytime you want me to babysit!”
These kids are cute when there’s presents and cookies around but after that I need to get the hell out
11.”He’s not here, we actually broke up but I’m so over it”
We know you miss him, but I’m still here?
12.”I would love to bring something to dinner!”
I’m great at pouring wine into glasses and putting nuts into bowls
13.”Ok yeah I had one glass of wine”
Your family should be happy your drinking that’s when your sparkle comes out
14.”Please don’t get me any gifts I don’t need anything!”
I’ll literally take anything, gift cards or Outback Steakhouse leftovers I don’t care
15.”What a great picture!”
If your going to post it, send it to me first to edit.. my facebook TL can’t take another hit
Happy Holidays everyone!